Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves by C. Terry Warner

Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves Reviews

• 
  Alan

  Authored by the same man who founded the Arbinger Institute, the pages are drenched with emotionally wrenching truths. In his words, you find lenses that slowly correct the our distorted view of ourselves, and those around us.
  
  If you intend on getting anything at all from this book, it will first ask you to lay on the table all of your habits, behaviors and perceptions, and re-examine them under a magnifying glass held by the author. Having done so, you will likely find what you see difficult to swallow - you will discover that many things you do in your life, which you might otherwise ascribe to love, concern, or otherwise pure motives... are at least to some degree driven by a distorted sense of self, and a distorted perception of others. It becomes our Achilles Heel - tainting and undermining our relationships with others.
  
  It will be a difficult read - with the good news being that there is light at the end of the tunnel. We have the capacity to reveal those distortions and correct them. In that process we start to heal ourselves, and heal our relations with others. The end result being, we find ourselves enlaced with bonds of true friendship, of deep and lasting love, of trust and charity. The bonds which in the end prove to be liberating. The bonds that make us free.
• 
  Jacob

  This book has some very interesting and groundbreaking ideas if you haven't encountered them elsewhere. As the back text says, it presents the idea that "we are responsible for feelings like anger, envy, and insecurity that we have blamed on others." And it's not wrong. From a certain perspective, that's very true, and from that same perspective it is indeed "within our power to stop them." I think everyone should at least be exposed to these ideas, because they can be incredibly useful to improve one's own life.
  
  The author even presents examples and descriptions, so you can know if his advice applies to you, if you "identify with the many true stories of people who have seen a transformation in their lives". This is helpful if you are self-aware enough to recognize you are identifying with what the author says and honest enough to admit it.
  
  I have two problems with this book. One is that the advice is narrower in scope than the author would like to believe. Don't get me wrong, it can be incredibly useful; there are many cases where, if you are angry, or hurt, or jealous, etc. it is more because of you than anyone else and you can change your life powerfully by opening yourself up and loving and appreciating others for who they are. However, there are cases where that isn't the problem, and while the author grudgingly admits abuse isn't the victim's fault, in general he insists that if you don't think his advice applies to your situation, then you are simply blind and need to realize that it does (he feels the applicability of his advice is nearly universal). I think there is space for people who hurt but don't hate, and who love but don't express it in unhealthy ways, and it's not helpful to tell those people that their problems are their own fault and they're just not recognizing it when they are not in fact feeling jealousy, envy, or insecurity. Maybe I'm just naive in thinking there are people like that, to whom the advice doesn't apply. However, I can think of another case where the advice doesn't apply that I don't remember the author addressing: mental illness.
  
  The other problem I have with the book is that, as an engineer, it's too much a "proof of concept", where it is expressed as something that *can* work if everything happens correctly, but not as something that can *reliably* work if not all the conditions are right. The author has spent a lot of time working on this, developing the idea, giving seminars, and yet has no advice for how to achieve his described nirvana if things don't work the way he says. The only advice is to keep trying, in perpetuity if need be. The example he uses took 5 years to work out. It would have been more convincing if the author had included failure stories, where things didn't work out, and if he'd had some idea why.
  
  Other than a need to better define the situations in which this advice applies and to provide some support for making it work in non-optimal situations, the advice here is good and powerful and a lot of people's lives would be better off if they learned these ideas.
• 
  Tricia

  Can I give this book six stars? Seven? Hands down, the best self-help book I have ever read. I hate to even put it in the "self-help" category, because it sounds entirely too trite for what this this book is really about. At the very least, I would say it's more like a "how-to" manual for life.
  My friend Stephanie gave it to me years ago, and while I started it, I never finished. I just wasn't in a place that I 'got' it. But now I am reading it for the second time, this time taking notes. Honestly, I feel like I've never read anything that resonated with me so much! Every page felt like a new adventure, every paragraph absolutely filled with insight and new understanding. I feel like my eyes have opened for the first time and I see every relationship in my life differently. Now if I can just be humble enough to apply it!
• 
  Tracy

  Another book in my never-ending quest to improve my communication and relationship skills. When it is good, it is very, very good, but when it is bad it is horrid. And by horrid I mean too over-simplified for my liking.
  
  Very good insights on how easy it is to blind ourselves to our own wrongdoing by pointing to the wrongdoing of others. I like these two quotes:
  
  "The fable is that our accusing, self-excusing feelings such as anger, frustration, bitterness, self-pity and so on are signals that we are in the right. The fact is, such feelings are signals that we are in the wrong."
  
  "Understanding self-betrayal and self-victimization can soften our accusations of others, open us to acceptance of their efforts, and enable us to let go of our accusing attitudes and emotions."
  
  The author suggest that we find ourselves feeling accusatory and blaming others, we should always ask ourselves "Might I be in the wrong?" and "What is the right thing to do?" There is a whole lot more about HOW to do that.
  
  All of this is well and good. Very applicable skills for use in everyday life and relationships for sure. My family is already benefitting from my improved attitude and efforts to abandon blaming and to be more aware of my part in any negative collusions we might have going on around here.
  
  What bothered me was some of the stories he used to illustrate his point. I thought he went too far when he used stories where someone who was the victim of verbal abuse and even sexual abuse and then suggested that those people needed to "repent of their unforgiving feelings about what had happened and even ask their abusers to forgive them for those feelings." I am not a psychiatrist, but I think that there's a whole lot more to it than that. Some of the examples really stunk, and even took away power from the ideas the book was suggesting we adopt.
  
  I MADE myself finish this book. Because the good ideas were so helpful to me, I made myself gut through the parts I disagreed with.
• 
  Valerie

  Life Changing Book. I've read it twice and as soon as I get my lent copy back, I'm going to read it again. It's a book that peels the blinders off our eyes so we see our true motivations for what they really are--in order to be better afterward. A bit of a painful read (I'm attached to some of my delusions about myself :) ), but it's been life changing and very rewarding in my relations, familial and friend. Read it!
• 
  Mehrsa

  I recommend this book to anyone who has ever been in any relationship. It will change the way you view the world, yourself, and every one of your relationships. It's genius.
• 
  Cherry

  This book is SO heavy, SO wonderful, but SO heavy. I cried and cried and cried when I read this book, because I always what to be So much better than I am and this book really HIT me in the face with a lot of things that I do incorrectly in relationships and when I read it I was just so hard on myself that I knew it would be good for me to read again when I felt a little better about myself. It is also hard to read and then observe people not taking responsibility for their actions and feelings because you want to point it out to them (and you know how people enjoy having you point out things like that to them). I really think that this book helps people look at themselves in a deeper way. It is one that I feel I should attempt to read every couple of years.
• 
  Karin

  This book has value. It requires a lot of self-awareness/self-reflection and it has some really great thoughts.
  
  It is also not trauma-informed. It is written from a definite place of privilege. And it feels like a lot of mental gymnastics to understand.
  
  I have a lot of respect for Arbinger and the work they are doing. I wonder how this book would be if it were published now instead of 10+ years ago?
• 
  Rachel Wagner

  I dare you to read this book and not be changed. There were a few points I disagreed with- such as his unique views on abuser/abused forgiveness. However, that is a small flaw in a very insightful book.
• 
  James

  Why only 2 stars? It was an easy read and worth the time. However, it was not super original. The main point is about "self deception." When you do not get along with another person, you are deceiving yourself [etc...:]. You can feel better if you treat people with love, and others will respond well. The book can be summed up with, forgive others and think of them positively (especially when you are cheezed off or hurt because of them). [Additionally it gives some advice that I disagree with.:] However, the book is full of generally sound advice for people looking on ways to live in harmony with others, especially their family members. Remember, 2 stars is not a bad rating, I just do not like it as much as the 3 star books. - I did not think it was as good as Seven Covey but he makes some good points.
• 
  Keri

  In terms of being inspired to be a better person, the only book better than this—for me, at least—is “To Kill a Mockingbird.” If you have ever yearned to be just like Atticus Finch, this is the how-to book to make that happen. Even in moments when I might not have wanted to hear it, the raw truth contained in the principles, the stories, and the inspiring invitations hit home with such clarity that I could hardly keep from letting go of any bonds of resentment I have ever had, and replace them with empathy, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
• 
  Akiva

  If you love this book, you might be codependent. The basic message I took from it was: "If you're having relationship problems, don't confront, don't complain; just try harder. You might be the real source of the problem, and if you try harder, miracles will happen."
• 
  Val

  I read this after receiving rave reviews from trusted friends who share my reading interests. They were spot-on with their 5-star assessments of this book, particularly the observation that anyone could benefit from reading it. The book is not preachy or geared toward members of any particular faith, instead focusing on human psychology, social relationships, and communication. The devout religious observer and the devout atheist would find the book equally insightful and worthwhile.
  
  However, be prepared to be uncomfortable as you read, because there is a 100% probability that you have engaged in, or are currently engaging in, the behaviors the author describes that ensnare us and threaten our relationships. You will squirm in your favorite chair as you read about people doing and saying things that you have likely done or said at some point to someone else, and you probably felt justified in doing or saying it at the time. This book will help you see through the lies we tell ourselves to hold onto our emotional burdens that we feel a right to hold. These burdens keep us from feeling truly happy and free to be who we want to be rather than who we think we are based on how we think someone has treated us. The "I/You" perspective is destructive, but can be changed if we recognize it in ourselves, own up to it, and stop holding so tightly to being the victim of everyone around us.
  
  If you have ever felt that you have the right to hate or not forgive someone for something they have done or said to you, this book will be particularly illuminating and liberating - if you let your defenses down long enough to ask honest questions of yourself while reading it, and then actively put into practice what you have read. Nothing in this book will make a difference if you read but do not make a sincere effort to experiment with what it teaches.
  
  I won't say how many or which of the examples presented in the book were applicable to me, but there is something in this book for everyone who has ever thought a relationship could be better if only the other person would change. I found stories applicable to me in more than one facet of life. A few times I actually caught myself thinking, "My (relative) needs to read this book so my (relative) will stop acting the way the author is describing in this chapter!" Then I had to acknowledge that if I would really put into practice what the author was explaining, I would not be thinking about what my (relative) is doing that hurts me; instead, I would be thinking about how painful it must be for my (relative) to harbor all these hard feelings and old resentments and offenses toward others, and what I could do to show compassion and kindness to my (relative) to relieve some of that long-held emotional pain. I would be thinking of all the possible reasons my (relative) might feel or act that way toward me and others, and instead of feeling victimized myself by it, I would be understanding and not let my (relative's) behavior toward me control my emotions to respond in ways that are inconsistent with who I want to be.
  
  The same is true of relationships at work, where I have control over how I will react, and where there is always more room for understanding and giving others the benefit of the doubt.
  
  The stories and examples in this book cover the gamut of human interactions and situations that can cause pain and offense and bitter long-term resentment, including sensitive topics and situations people are uncomfortable confronting. Addictions, abuse, rape, infidelity, marital discord, wayward or rebellious youth, distant or overbearing parents, bullying, sibling rivalry, conflicts with bosses or co-workers, neighbor disputes, and more.
  
  It's the kind of book you read halfway through life, and then groan inwardly over how much better the first half of life could have been had you read this book a few decades earlier. Personally, I hope everyone I've ever hurt or offended reads this book... maybe even more than once!
• 
  Ellie Putnam

  October 2021:
  
  3.5 stars. I really enjoyed a lot of things about this book. I think the basic principal it teaches is a pretty invaluable thing to understand, and it's maybe the most intriguing framework for everyday morality I've come across, undoubtedly much better than the framework of many popular current prevailing ideas. This book is something I have no doubt I'll get flashbacks of when I'm working something out in the future.
  
  Even though the principal is good, I wasn't convinced the execution was the most effective, and for me personally, the way it was laid out wasn't the most meaningful. This book didn't grip me like other philosophy-type books I've read. That doesn't mean the core of the content wasn't good, I just don't think it was a perfect book.
  
  I believe the author's goal was to basically give the closest equivalent to the experience of one of his classes in a book. This involved telling a variety of relatable stories that prove his philosophy, along with fairly repetitive commentary in-between. I think it would have done some good to include some behavioral studies, opposing views, or a personal internal dialogue of how the principle revealed itself in his mind. These sorts of tools are pretty thought-provoking to me at least. In a strange way this book was simultaneously too academic and not quite academic enough.
  
  I think I wrote this review because I feel like I need to justify kind of disliking a book I mostly agree with... but alas, 3 stars on Goodreads means I liked it, and 4 stars means I really liked it, so I think I've been a fair reader.
• 
  Nat Harward

  I say 'it was OK' (definition of 2 stars) because I expected more than I got. There were a few truly moving anecdotes. And the warning in the intro about the red flags for group therapy/self-help groups to avoid is spot on. The rest was just all right. I see the weaknesses as:
  
  (1) A less sophisticated understanding of the interplay of emotions and emotional health. The approach is, as you might expect from a philosophy professor, more intellectual and academic than he lets on.
  
  (2) None of the anecdotes -- so far as I can recall and in my arm-chair assessment -- deal with clinical trauma. So his techniques might help you heal relationships with "low level" injuries. But it will be on you to determine whether you're dealing with something deeper than that. And I don't think you'll find the end of your healing with what's in here alone.
  
  (3) I would classify this as Warner's observations about the world and humans. This is distinctly different from reading something from a mental health professional whose daily bread-and-butter is offering tools to people who have hired them to help them solve/resolve/heal their pain and problems. So Warner's concepts are formed by him looking backward, rather than being tested daily and proved in the success or failure of people he works with. In that sense, the whole thing is weak. It is a point of view as opposed to a set of theory-consistent, research-backed and practically proven methods.
• 
  Megan

  For me, this book was fantastic, perhaps even life changing. It's a psychological discussion based on LDS principles, and it really does show a way to improve relationships in all circumstances. The basic premise of the book is that WE are usually the source of any problem situation we're having with people, because we choose to take offense or hold a grudge. Warner postulates that when we betray our inner sense of right and wrong, our compass is then mixed up, and sometimes we think we're doing "good" things when really we're doing them for the wrong reasons and worsening the situation by doing so. Hence, self-righteousness and perfectionism. The meat of the book is better than its jacket made it sound, I thought. The only down side is that it's a bit lengthy, and it takes him awhile to get to the point. The first six chapters are all about defining the problem, so you don't get any solution thoughts at all until halfway through. Be patient! It's worth it. I found the last chapters in particular to be extremely helpful. And there are stories in here that are unforgettable, that apply to so many people, and that will wrench your heart. I truly believe this approach can be successful for healing all types of relationships, even the most troubled.
• 
  Emy

  This one can be life changer. If you’re seeking a change of heart but just don’t know how to do it, this can help! All of us being stuck home during coronavirus has brought up the obvious fact that relationships are hard and I see the need to change myself. As I’ve listened to this book I have seen myself so many times in his examples. I think I may need to listen to it 500 more times before I truly understand. This book is written from a secular viewpoint so it has wide appeal for individuals, couples, families, businesses, corporations, and groups.
  
  This book has given me additional hope that I can change and become more like who I want to be, who is Jesus Christ, the master of looking outward, freely forgiving, and constantly inviting us to examine our hearts and motives. This book is not about Him but it aligns so well with His teachings. I will use this book as a complement to the scriptures (The Book of Mormon, the Bible).
  
  Grateful I read this!
• 
  Kim

  Wow, this is a powerful book with brilliant insights. But, as with anything that makes us stop and evaluate ourselves, it was a very difficult read. In fact, it's probably time for me to return to its pages (if I could just get "out of the box"...)
• 
  Jacklyn Dean

  Great book. Probably one of the best self help books I’ve read. It really made me stop and think about my role in all of my relationship with my family, my friends and even acquaintances. It helped me see that the way we treat people and the way we truly see people can ultimately change our lives in drastic ways. It also helped me see that I betray myself quite a bit, in ways I never really even realized. One of my favorite quotes was
  “Some things are only real because they represent what we think. When we learn the truth and think it, the old reality is no longer real to us and loses its hold on us. The truth sets us free.” I would definitely read this book again.
  
• 
  Deb in UT

  It's easier to click with some authors than others. I don't love this writer's writing style or all his word choices. I don't love the "I-It vs. I-You" way of expressing his ideas. I don't really prefer his choices of stories. Even so, I learned some very helpful and important things from this book.
  
  In particular, I've had a reoccurring problem with blaming others and the occasional extreme self pity. I have felt plenty justification for those emotions. That doesn't make them true or desirable. The first half of the book focuses on all the problems. I felt an enormous weight and sorrow for my negative patterns. I might have quit reading, but I was hopeful I'd learn more of how to solve my problems. I'm glad I stuck with it.
  
  When encountering trouble with others, this author basically suggests asking oneself of what's happening, "Is my perception true?" and adds in the importance of forgiving and loving others. (Byron Katie also talks about turning the blaming words around to oneself, such as instead of saying, "He isn't compassionate toward me," saying, "I'm not compassionate toward him," or "I'm not compassionate toward me," and that is often more true!)
  
  He advocates doing the "right" thing for the right reasons.
  
  I have realized that praying for the gift of charity needs to be a big part of the solution for me. I want to quit blaming; take more responsibility for myself, my emotions, and my life; and to be filled with charity. I want to do the right things for the right reasons. This book has helped see the difference that will make in my life. It feels like an important piece of the puzzle to my problems. Along with Brooke Castillo's model (thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to actions, which lead to results) I feel like I now have the tools I need to move past a lot of my life-long troubles.
  
  I copied down some things I want to remember along with their page numbers in the edition I read.
  
  p. 66 "By our self-victimization, we exaggerate others' destructiveness and our own helplessness."
  
  p. 73 "We acquire a taste for the momentary relief from responsibility and accountability it seems to provide-- we don't have to face what we suspect might be awful truths about ourselves."
  
  p. 198 "To admit our errors or weaknesses in this fashion can bring us liberation and strength. It will seem ironic to say this, for facing up to the truth is usually what we most fear to do."
  
  p. 202 "The same thing happens to any of us who acknowledge the truth as straightforwardly as she did. The emotion we experience in the presence of the truth is love."
  
  p. 204 "We learned in the preceding section that when we confess that we have been wrong-- not just on an isolated point of argument but in the way we have lived our lives-- we no longer feel a need to blame others and to defend ourselves against them. We become free of the accusing, anguished thoughts and feelings with which we have afflicted ourselves, free to let ourselves be touched by others' concerns and aspirations and joys, and free to stop worrying about protecting or polishing our self-image."
  "So it is blame that we must let go of. Blame is the lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims. It is the lie that robs us of our serenity, our generosity, our confidence, and our delight in life."
  
  p. 206 "For it's the act of blaming that 'can't co-exist with self responsibility'-- or with freedom from inner agitation and strained relationships. Abandon the practice of blaming, and we see the fear melt away that we have associated with being honest about ourselves and taking the full measure of responsibility for our emotional and spiritual condition."
  
  p. 208 "How profoundly fascinating it is to realize that the way forward is simply to consider whether we might be in the wrong!
  "This realization distills for us a significant truth about what I've called a change of heart."
  
  p. 280 "So focused are accusing feelings that they obliterate or shunt into irrelevance all other facts except those that support them." "But with that change came a revival of her memory of what he had given her, and she found it fully sufficient for her happiness."
  
  p. 285 "So, strictly speaking, what actually happened way back then is of no significance now; what is significant now are our present accusations against them. Our emotional problems are the accusations we make of others now. They are not scars from the past but actions in the present."
  
  p. 289 "If we are not victims but instead producers of our emotional problems, and if it is right now that we reproducing them, then we can eliminate the problems at their source."
  
  p. 295 "Genuine forgiveness includes a desire to be forgiven and, if it is fitting, to seek that forgiveness."
  
  p. 299 "We cannot do it by denying or repressing our feelings or by willing ourselves to feel differently-- feelings are subject to our indirect but not our direct control."
  
  [I don't entirely agree with the above idea. I believe we ultimately have direct control over our feelings. If our feelings come from our thoughts, we are in charge of those feelings. We create them. Feelings need to be accepted and understood. Once we do that we can change the thoughts and create new feelings. We do have control and should take responsibility for our feelings.]
  
  p. 301 "Abusers suffer quite independently of being resented." "Our resentment cannot increase their torment; it harms only ourselves. And besides, it may give them an excuse to believe that we deserved whatever they did to us."
  
  p. 307 "So it is with love, says Kierkegaard. Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals-- any individual--that others cannot see."
  
  p. 315 "The point is neither to accept the falsely threatening world nor to escape it, but to change it-- or in other words, change the meaning it has for us. And that is done by undergoing a change in how we see the world, which is a change in ourselves."
  
  p. 318 "The dependency of faith, on the other hand...is a linkage to others by means of love."
  
  p. 319 "Fact: The quality of life--the success we hope for-- depends upon the choices we make, moment by moment, to do exactly what we sense is right toward all living things, including God. To distinguish this from pursuing the good life, I would like to call it pursuing a life of goodness. This means a life of practical faith."
  
  p. 320 "The key personal characteristic is a consistent readiness to yield to the truth in all circumstances, no matter what the apparent cost."
  
  Despite its problems, I recommend this book. The truths it contains are worth learning. Yes, there are other sources of this information, but it helps to look at truth in multiple ways with unique emphases.
• 
  Doris

  Really a 3.5, I think. The material is outstanding. I got lost in the style quite a bit. I felt like it repeated a lot, but in a kind of confusing way. I would have edited it quite differently. I also really disliked how he italicized so much. I want to highlight my own text, not have the author tell me "this is really important!"
  
  That said, the material itself is very valuable. I started it by thinking, "I don't have anyone I'm having a hard time forgiving." I ended by seeing that I have frequently found myself in cycles of collusion and being able to recognize this has already been very freeing to me. Not that I'm going to be able to implement the principles perfectly, but I have already noticed myself at several choice points and either making the right choice the first time, or being able to try and fix it soon thereafter, rather than stewing in anger, blame, and resentment.
  
  A very worthwhile read for anyone.
• 
  Ruth

  Don't read this book if you don't want to be confronted by your own self-deceptions--or if you don't want to be aware of your pride and work to change your behaviors. It's a tough book, mostly because it's so unflinchingly honest. It's a book that most of us probably need to read and ponder daily in order to confront the oh-so-common ways we deflect, dodge, and weave away from the things we need to do to make our lives and relationships better. However, if you're prepared to be honest and open, you'll be amazed. Life changing--but only if the reader is open and humble, and ready to become responsible.
• 
  Karene

  I read this for the first time in college, and again about six months ago. It is life changing. I identified deeply with the fundamental concept that each person is responsible for the nature of his/her relationships with others. The book is full of real life examples of how this plays out in many types of relationships, and I found myself able to identify right away the ways this was happening in my life. Not only that, but the book is written in such a way that I found it crystal clear what I needed to do to make changes. The difficult part: keeping it fresh in my mind so that I can apply it on a regular basis. This is a book I will want to reread on a regular basis.
• 
  Shannon

  Really incredible ideas. I read this as a manuscript during my undergraduate schooling; happy to now read the book! I couldn't let my mind wander at all, or get distracted - I needed to pay close attention to every sentence. By doing so however, there is much to learn about how we can spend our lives with more peace and happiness because of the the way we can (and should) think about everyone around us. This was worth my time!
• 
  Gina

  The best ever for understanding relationships, your feelings, how you react to situations, and how you should be treating every person you come in contact with. It has honestly changed me! I never realized just how much I reacted to other people instead of acting on my own.
  This book has the potential to make the world a better place if everyone who read this would take it to heart.
• 
  Travis

  This was one of the most meaningful books that I have ever read. It changed the way that I look at challenging relationships and interactions forever. It's not an easy book to read because of how close it comes to home (if we let it) but it's worth every minute and every brain wave spent on it.
  
  I plan to read it again.
• 
  Josef Miyasato

  What is my mark of a good book? It has the power to influence my life for the better. And this book did that in spades.
  
  Wow. What a book. I've had this book for years but I finally took the plunge. There were so many times whole reading that my skepticism turned to awe. This book should be read by everyone. If I could, I'd hand this book out to everyone I know.
• 
  Cory Jensen

  Very thought provoking so far...