Enjoy Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life Generated By Byron Katie Copy

of nowhere, like a breeze in a marketplace crowded with advice, comes Byron Katie and “The Work, ” In the midst of a normal life, Katie became increasingly depressed, and over a tenyear period sank further into rage, despair, and thoughts of suicide, Then one morning, she woke up in a state of absolute joy, filled with the realization of how her own suffering had ended, The freedom of that realization has never left her, and now in Loving What Is you can discover the same freedom through The Work,

The Work is simply four questions that, when applied to a specific problem, enable you to see what is troubling you in an entirely different light, As Katie says, “Its not the problem that causes our suffering its our thinking about the problem, ” Contrary to popular belief, trying to let go of a painful thought never works instead, once we have done The Work, the thought lets go of us, At that point, we can truly love what is, just as it is,

Loving What Is will show you stepbystep, through clear and vivid examples, exactly how to use this revolutionary process for yourself, Youll see people do The Work with Katie on a broad range of human problems, from a wife ready to leave her husband because he wants more sex, to a Manhattan worker paralyzed by fear of terrorism, to a woman suffering over a death in her family.
Many people have discovered The Works power to solve problems in addition, they say that through The Work they experience a sense of lasting peace and find the clarity and energy to act, even in situations that had previously seemed impossible.


If you continue to do The Work, you may discover, as many people have, that the questioning flows into every aspect of your life, effortlessly undoing the stressful thoughts that keep you from experiencing peace.
Loving What Is offers everything you need to learn and live this remarkable process, and to find happiness as what Katie calls “a lover of reality, ” I was recommended this by my counsellor, I was very unsure about it because a lot of reviews suggested it includes a lot of victim blaming and this is, in a sense, true: Byron Katie's theory is essentially that we are always the ones causing ourselves pain.
She does tell a woman to figure out what part her nine year old self had in her own rape, what she did 'wrong',

That sounds very discomforting, but I think I see why she does it, When you've had some kind of trauma, there's often a question of what you could've done to prevent it, Maybe you let someone do something bad to you because you were frightened, You can believe almost totally that you couldn't have escaped the situation, but you still have that lingering shard of doubt and that could be a way in to learn to recover from it, starting with forgiving your own perceived complicity.


I don't think Byron Katie isright, I found her attitude a little arrogant at times, and condescending, But the basic ideas can be useful and provide a way to logically see how you can better a problem by controlling your part in it, Likewise, it asks you to accept the past as it was, because that's the only way it can be you can't change it, only the way you relive it in your mind.


I would say, read this with caution, if you do read it, Aspects of it were useful for me, but I'm still uncomfortable about other aspects, This book about blew the top of my head off,

Numerous times I had to sit back and contemplate the book for a long long time before I felt prepared to continue,

I recommend this to EVERYBODY, It's another one of those books that would improve the world by major leaps and bounds if everybody read it, At best, this is a gross oversimplification of real problems people face with solutions founded in anecdotal evidence and contradictory principles,

If you cherry pick quotes out of this book you'll end up with a collection of seemingly valuable maxims, which I assume are the reasons for this Loving What Is's success.
That being said, the book doesn't cohere well logically,

One of the techniques she teaches is "the turnaround", This is where you turn a problem around and see if the problem is actually your fault or just in your head, Prepare forpages of this, much of which is completely forced, On page, she uses litter in the desert as an example of how things are, She says there's no point in judging people who litter, because the litter is already there, therefore it is part of the desert, While I can see how not getting upset might be helpful, the rest of the story is completely unhelpful and makes no sense, If we should accept things the way that they are, then why bother picking up the litter She later covers her bases by telling the reader not to get caught up on the turnarounds.
But then what was the pastpages all about What's the point of this book then

The author pretty much tells people to get over things, Everything is in your head, Some of that advice could be valuable, but her delivery makes no sense whatsoever and is full of victim shaming, She claims things like "there's no such thing as verbal abuse" and asks questions like "can you absolutely be sure that your dad doesn't love you" after a victim describes a physically abusive father.
She blames a victim of sexual abuse by a stepfather for "assuming" that the victim's mom knew what was going on, When the victim turns around and says other people had described the abuse, the author just claims that nothing is for certain, With that mentality, there really is no point in living, We should all be on controlled states of heroin use so we could just live our lives loving what is, Byron Katie's recommendation for the world would mean no goals, no reasons, just what is,

I've never struggled reading a book this much in my life, "Can I absolutely be sure that this book victim shames" YES, YES I CAN. "Now turn it around. Maybe I'm the one victim shaming", NO. YOU ARE LADY.

Author's Favorite Word: Turnaround It took years to correct the thought patterns and the way I felt about myself and others, In Byron Katie's book with Stephen Mitchell, Loving What Is: Four questions that can change your life, the light came on, I searched my soul for the truth, and it enlightened every situation around me by me doing the 'work' of writing it down, I found out the reasoning behind why I was being paranoid, and why I made such rash judgments, Byron Katie invites you to discover the reality in your life, how you react to it, feel about it, then turn it around, Doing "The Work," I no longer hold onto false statements that support my paranoid thoughts, Each day, I am growing with my healthier beliefs as I keep a journal on everything I feel needs my attention, This book is a must read for people of all walks of life, I listened to part of the audio version of this book, but I couldn't finish it, I first learned of this book from a smart, very successful woman who referenced it in a talk toof my coworkers, She mentioned how lifechanging it was to determine what was her business, someone else's business or God's business, That made sense, so I decided to check it out,

My first dumbfounded moment was in her conversation with a mother who was struggling with her young son not doing his chores, not doing his homework and sometimes lying.
When the author suggested that the mother needed to accept mediocrity because the world was all about mediocrity, I almost wrecked the car, Yes, we might all be happier or more content if we just accepted blanket mediocrity, but where would this world be! Thank goodness many people refuse to accept mediocrity for themselves or their children.


I was also disgusted by her nonsense that everyone's truth is equal, That is patently untrue. A member of the Taliban might determine what truth is for him, but most reasonable people will determine his truth is not equal to that of the most of the rest of the world.


Finally, the idea that we should just accept everything as is "it is what it is" she said over and over is absurd, Again, where would we be with this notion We'd still have slavery we wouldn't have civiil rights in this country we wouldn't have people devoting their lives to social justice, the eradication of disease and poverty, etc.
, etc. , etc.

I feel sorry for someone who believes the lies this woman is spouting, As I

made my way through it, I kept having this unsettling feeling esp, as I read the dialogues in it, Eventually I figured out what was confusing and challenging about it, I deeply resonate with a lot of her core principles and premises as they are ones I've come to on my own, yet I have some very sharp disagreements with how they are applied.
This made it an odd book to read for me because usually when I resonate with the basic principles and premises an author is describing I usually also resonate with the way they suggest to live them out etc.
, but that was not the case here,

I'll be specific,

I totally agree with the idea of there being three "types of business" in the world, mine, yours and God's reality's, However, the lines between these aren't always as clear as she tries to make them out to be for the sake of "the work" being able to be applied so simplistically and clearly I think.
For instance, if I want to have someone else be a part of my life in a significant way, and they are important to me, then how they choose to live and operate is going to have significant effects on me.
And I don't believe a healthy, integrated and sane adult just resigns to accept whatever the other person is doing just because it's "not their business, " In that case, if they are in my life and I in theirs in that way, then the lines between "our business" may be more interdependent,

What I'm trying to say here is that I believe there is a healthy human place which acknowledges how we are affected by other people while not being codependent and can assertively navigate ask for what we need or want things without being attached by way of a neurotic ego.
Being assertive means we ask for what we want while letting go of the outcome and the answer if the answer is no, So in some cases, "loving what is," means accepting the fact that someone else's behavior affects us a certain way and then asking for help from them and compassionately communicating our needs while not demanding or expecting the other person to meet them as we understand our needs are ultimately our own responsibility and the other person may only be one strategy or source of meeting our needs.


And, worst comes to worst, we may have to apply some boundaries with a person who we are wanting something from, but who doesn't genuinely have the willingness to give it to us.
A boundary says, "I'm not doing this to appease or upset you, I'm doing it to take care of myself, " In this case, taking care of ourselves would be choosing the amount of involvement we have with someone who we want something from but who doesn't have the genuine willingness in them to give it to us.
So we can move on to other people and strategies without blaming them, though we allow ourselves, compassionately, to feel disappointed, and take that disappointment as our soul's wisdom that we do need to move on and set that boundary perhaps.


Further on the topic of assertiveness though, The poet David Whyte has this idea he talks about of "the conversational nature of reality, " And the basic idea is that we bring our desires to the world and the world brings its desires to us and what happens is often something in between, We don't get all of what we want from the world and the world doesn't get all that it wants from us, What Katie's ideology here seems to reflect is a cutting off of the conversation because it's vulnerable and leaves us open to suffering, So she advises just accepting whatever the world is like,

However, we need to realize we are also a part of the world and do have some control over what happens and that a healthy adult realizes that and is able to be assertive without being attached.
Suffering is a part of life, and truly "loving what is, " I'm not sure that perfect acceptance negates all suffering, True nonattachment and acceptance fearlessly admits our humanity and vulnerability, which includes us having wishes that are not fulfilled or are frustrated, So being an integrated, healthy or sane adult does not mean we just give up what we want because it would be "arguing with reality," as Katie reiterates many times.


This took me awhile to figure out, as to why I wasn't jiving with her application of the basic premise of the book, which I agreed and agree with that it's generally much more healthy to accept what is rather than resist or argue with it.
The serenity prayer guides a lot of my internal decision making, But it seems that Katie only affirms half of it the acceptance of what we cannot change, But there are indeed things we can change, and can exert effort towards without being attached neurotically though, granted, I do believe this takes a good amount of inner work and transformation before one can come to this point.
So I didn't see this point being affirmed that there is a necessity to seeking the wisdom to know the difference between what we truly can and cannot change, Katie seems to opt for a rather black and white binary as to what we can and cannot change as, I imagine, this makes "the work" a lot simpler to apply.


Okay, my other main disagreement is that the application of the work felt too rationalistic and, again, simplistic to me, The reason being, a person who is applying the work is left with these binaries "is it true" or false when, what's usually the most helpful, I believe, is seeking understanding as to why or in what context something is true or false, not merely asking if it is or isn't.


It was especially the third question of the work that bothered me the most "Who would you be without this thought" and "Can you think of one stressfree reason to keep this thought" Asking those questions leaves no room for understanding or empathizing with the legitimate reasons why we have a judgment, resistance, "should" or pain in life or towards someone.
And I believe that the most powerful place of transformation is in understanding the motivation for why we are operating in a certain manner and then figuring out if there might be a better way to meet the needs motivating our behaviors.
But the way the work sets it up is that one is only meant to inquire as to whether the thought creates stress or peace, and then we are asked to let the thought let go of us I did appreciate her clarification that she isn't asking people to "drop the thought" or to try to drop it on the basis of realizing it's not helping us feel peaceful or happy.


However, all emotions are meaningful and necessary to becoming a more integrated human being, Stress, depression or unhappiness are the not our enemies, merely the signals that perhaps we are seeking to meet a need of ours through an inefficient or unrealistic strategy, And determining whether a strategy is inefficient or unrealistic is a very personal and intuitive process that requires a good amount of selfawareness and wisdom,

In NonViolent Communication they say that all judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs, And this is why we can have compassion on judgments the judgments of others and our own judgments, So that is the kind of understanding I have found to be most helpful, Whereas, what Katie seems to be suggesting is a judgment of the judgment and trying to resolve it by the mere realization that it seems to be causing us stress or may not be true from another perspective.


However, something may be true for us and there are good reasons why we have any judgment we have, There are certain needs within us that are trying to be expressed, though we may not know how else to express them but to have a judgment or resistance to something or someone.
So I find that the place of transformation is not in merely rationalistically observing whether we feel stressed or at peace with a thought, but seeking to compassionately understand every part of ourselves, even the parts of ourselves that have judgments and resistances and then letting those parts of ourselves speak so that we might understand what they are wanting and why rather than hoping they dissipate with the simple realizing that they are causing us stress or that we would feel more happy without them.


I'll give an example, In the chapter of dialogues on relationships and family she talks with Justin who is struggling because he feels that his family doesn't accept him or his way of life and they just want him to conform to theirs.
But the way Katie speaks with him, she leads him to the conclusion that it is him that's being unreasonable or unaccepting because he's equally not accepting their nonacceptance of him essentially.


This, to me, reads essentially as trying to judge our judgments out of ourselves rather than compassionately understand them and resolve them which is what I find to work a lot better personally, and from my understanding of human nature as a psychologist.


With Justin, what I would have tried to lead him to would be a compassionate understanding of his legitimate need and desire for acceptance, It's not his need for acceptance which is causing stress, it's the unrealistic strategy of trying to have it met through his family, which, in reality, doesn't, in his experience, have the willingness or ability to meet that need.
You see what I'm saying There is a much more helpful understanding in realizing the needs which motivate our resistances and judgments are legitimate, human and reasonable, What may not be reasonable or sane is the various strategies we may be entrenched in trying to meet those needs, Maybe Justin, after truly accepting that his family may not be able to meet that need of his right now, seeks to find other friends or groups of people who are willing and able to meet that need of his whereas, the work seemed to just have him bucket the need and strategy together, when it was only the strategy that needed adjustment perhaps.


That's what I think is a more healthy way of "loving what is, " It's not necessary to judge or demonize our resistances or judgments as being "insane" because they "argue with reality, " Our needs are important, legitimate and real as human beings, What may not always be wise, reasonable or sane is the various ways we seek to have our needs met that simply probably won't, or won't right now,

I have to admit that I didn't manage to finish the book after I had these epiphanies as to why I cringed so much during the dialogues in the book.
So to be fair, maybe Katie addresses some of these things that I've hit on here, I'm not sure, Also, to be fair, and to live out the ideology I'm expressing here, I am imagining that it's possible Katie is just making "the work" overtly simple in order to bridge people over into a more integrated and mature perspective and so maybe my disagreements stem from that just seeing where there are some very important nuances and elements to understand in order to truly and most healthily love what is, in my experience at least.
I will also say that I did find the simplicity and clarity of the work to be helpful in many regards too, as reminders to me of how I can live out the principles of acceptance for what is and what I cannot control better e.
g. the recognition that "should" statements in most cases signify nonacceptance or resistances that I'd do well to explore, This was a helpful reminder for me to think about what areas I still have "should" statements in and to explore why,

Some closing notes: I believe the model of cognitive behavioral therapy and its recognition of cognitive distortions to be a more helpful way of working through resistances to reality.
Katie only asks in the work whether something is true or not but I find that you come to a place of transformation and resolution much quicker if you can understand how or why something is true or not and that's the useful part of the understanding of cognitive distortions as they are common biases or ways of thinking and perceiving that are ungrounded and unhelpful and that are often the source of a lot of our suffering and inability to face and accept what is.
In addition, I'd recommend aforementioned model of nonviolent communication NVC and its understanding of observations, feelings, needs and requests/strategies,

There are indeed some great principles in this book, ones that I deeply resonate with and that have been a part of philosophies like Taoism and Buddhism for centuries.
However, there are some key nuances that I believe Katie seems to miss, which made the application of the work too simplistic and rationalistic, and ultimately not as effective as it could be if it incorporated a more humanistic and compassionate understanding of the psyche and our needs as human beings.
That being said, I could concede that perhaps this could be an excellent and lifechanging book for a person beginning to be exposed to such principles or philosophies, But those who are already familiar with them will probably be wasting their time trying to find something significantly insightful or transformative here other that perhaps just a reminder of and another way to word principles they are already aware of.
.