Get Access Difficult Mothers: Understanding And Overcoming Their Power Developed By Terri Apter Offered As Digital Copy

but did not offer any profound insight into forming a better relationship with a difficult mother, So far, so good. Masterfully written. Highly readable.This is a great book on a very difficult topic, Apter distinguishes very clearly between "good enough" mothers who are not perfect but no mother is on the one hand, and mother/child relationships that cross over into the "difficult" catagory and why they do.


Her definition is the best I've ever heard, "A difficult mother is someone who presents her child with the dilemma: 'Either develop complex and constricting coping mechanisms to maintain a relationship with me on my own terms, or suffer ridicule, disapproval, or rejection.
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If you've ever wondered if your relationship with your mom is normal or harmful, and what you can do about it so it doesn't destroy the rest of your life, this book will be a great help and comfort.
If you want to understand yourself, you need to understand our relationship with your mother, Very helpful, especially if you are familiar with attachment theory and intersubjective theory, In this book, Teri Apter categorises a difficult mother as the one who may use anger as a thread and a control to manage her child due to lack of understanding and control of her own emotions controlling mother is the one that may enmesh with her child and controls all aspects of the child's live how they think, feel, she criticises and commands narcissistic mother is the one who demands the child to assist her needs and desires, she doesn't see and disregards the child's needs and wants envious mother may resent her child for the success, wishes, and achievements and emotionally unavailable mother may show no care, empathy towards the child, she is physically present but emotionally she doesn't exist.
Then, within those categories the author explains how this affects the child and how we can relearn set patterns through resilience understanding who we are amp making sense of our own stories through our interaction with our mothers and other key relationships controlling our feelings amp assess if the response to others makes sense and bring positive thoughts of managing brought forward patterns.


The key learning for me in this book was the Orchid gene concept, as I never came across of it before and naturally I was able to relate to the concept.
Basically children with the orchid gene may develop depression, addictions, have difficult of coping or may feel aggressive, Such children will have a highly active amygdala that makes them hyper vigilant to responses of others, It also gives a child an edge in wider age of learning: such child is more attuned to other people responses amp feelings quick to sense emotional temperature and are usually creative reflective amp resilient.


Below are notes from the book,

Notes:
gt, Emotional dilemma anger. A parent may use anger to threaten or control the child, show disapproval, it can relate to unknown sources and unrelated frustrations, A child can learn what triggers a passion, but if patterns are unpredictable, the child will always be on the alert,
. Control. this is where a parent takes control of child's live what they should think, act vs advise check in on a child, Control mother taken over the mind of the child criticism and commands, Control result child will lie, distrust, mutual deception can be created, The controlling parent acts as an expert what the child wants and needs are rather than learning from a child, The parent acts as controller and director, Enmeshment this is when a mother projects her own feelings on the child healthy mother lets

her child to mentalize contextualise their own feelings.

. Narcissistic mother mother doesn't see the child she demands the child to mirror on their behaviour demand admiration seeks attention they needs are the most important.
There is a difference between selfworth vs narcissistic behaviour, Child needs mothers focus and empathy but instead mother acts defensively, analysis and see remarks as insult,
. Envy this is when the success of a child disturbs the relationship, A parent may feel resentment towards the child's achievement or imagination, Envious mother demands why she feels joy when I don't why would she feel good when I don't
: neglect freedom of movement education.
Mother craving dictates the mothers live, Depressed mother is difficult mother as she is disengaged, It's either you please me or you don't exist, Emotionally unavailable mother this is usually mothers suffering depression or some addition, Physically present but emotionally disengaged, lack she is somewhere else, How children connect and protect themselves Audit Affects of emotional unavailable mother: Ex do you think a purpose of social interaction is to regulate other people feelings What lingers on your subconscious when you debating if should speak up or be quite Should you leave someone on their own Should you do what they ask Do you anxiously monitoring others responses Do you worry if they will be pleased if I do this for them Should you do what they ask even though its inconvenient to you would they be pleased when I do this for them Will they fall apart if I forget something, if I refuse to do what they ask Do you think its your job to notice what they are feeling Do you feel you have a choice how to behave or her behavior decorates yours Do you ventilate between hope and fear as you consider the affect you have on others Do you think its your job to notice what everyone else is feeling.
In step two weight your operating assumptions against the range of your interests amp desires when you interact with your mother What do you carry around with you amp what feels as a burden Do you have a choice how to behave around her or she dictates it f you dont follow the expectations set by your mother: Do you brut over potential consequences of your actions Do you focus anxiously on what others need Do you try to guess and provide what others need.
Does these actions shake my sense of identity Do I associate others happiness with my identity Is it my job to manage what other people are feeling Do I panic that I am not able to fix someone elses mood Do I consider my emotions as allian or dangerous.
Consider how this operational assumptions dominate you, Is they happiness amp passiveness take a centre stage of your decision process Do you feel a shift of your priorities when someone is feeling stressed or disengaged Do you desert your short or long term plants to meet the others mood.
Identify set of behaviours guided by these assumptions,

gt A way to teach a child about their inner state is by mother presenting their feelings back to the children.
A man other response with an expression of interest and concern by composing herself and loving imitation of some features of child distress such as frown partly mirrors the child's state and transforms it.
By mirroring she shows that she just expressing her own feelings but her child's, Attuning understanding that the child's feeling as their own and they are real for them mirroring mother shows child's emotion vs her own emotion seeing mirroring and understanding, be a sounding board.
We expect who knows us and invest in our development will try to appreciate us and understand us, Explain ourselves, our motives and influence views of others on us, When a child feels angryampexpresses it to their mother and mothers response ”but I love you” sends a message that child's feelings do not matter.
Mother has a narrow vision as she doesn't see the child's point of view externalising accusation when mother is projecting to the child in stuff, implication is that the child's mind is not his own.


gt How a brain learns about emotion managementA early stage of development right part of the brain looks after emotional process, enterpriting facing, behaviours.
key for this development is close relationship with mother as she provides healthy social amp emotional environment to her capacity to regulate her own emotionsanger,To develop strong neorosystem a child needs to be protected from prolonged amp intend stress.
Child needs to develop skill to mood changes and changing world, The role of the mother is to notice child's discomfort soothe the child and adjust her voice and gestures to child emotional rhythm.
Doing so helps the child to see that they can work together and recapture security comfort amp safety amp delight human interaction as the child engaged in affective dialogue amp able to move with emotional management

gt Resilienceovercoming difficult mother power.
Inner paradox we develop a sense of inner self not only through feelings and sensations but also through the relationship with others, Mother amp baby develops foundational relationship where mother stimulates concept of I amp other mothers curiosity about our experiences and emotions we become self aware.
Prolong difficult relationship with our mother is likely to impact our own inner world, Understanding who we are amp making sense of our own stories are vital part of our well being, Making sense of important relationships are important to make a sense of our selves, his is physical and emotional as well as intellectual exercise, our thoughts about big things in our lives create strong sensations feelings infuse our view on the world, Our positive thoughts are broadly in sync with our expectations when we are making ourselves clear to others, we understand what is said and we understand how other persons reaction fit conversational flow, we feel whole, confidentamp energised.
When we are mystified by shifting moods and inexplicable motives from someone we love and we can not find our footing we get emotionally seasick.

Do you stick to generalisation or can you see a nuance within the situation Are your stories flexible and inclusive or closed and static Do you welcome opportunity to change or resist them Can you sustain relationships with others or do you reject and feel threatened by others An you focus on the experience without avoidance, confusion or changing the subject

gt Recovered children demonstrate resilience after trialamp error process they dont remain stuck in the set backs they learn about their set backs they observe lessons of day to day psychology they try to manage they own actions so they do not push others away they try to control they own feelings amp assess if they response to others makes sense eventually they exercise their power to influence their environment.
They are able to leave unsafe situations, lower the emotional temperature in the argument and respond positively to positive behaviour in other people.
With this skills they are able to build supportive relationships, There is one more final piece of the puzzle of our experience of difficult mother and possibility of recovery, You may experienced your mother to be difficult and particular sensitive to her moods, her displeasure, her criticism or lack of care due to your genetic vulnerability in difficult circumstances the depression risk gene the orchid gene

gt Resilience exercise: make a list of feelings assumptions amp behaviours which you think resulted die to the experience with the difficult mother.
For each feeling assumptions and behaviour focus on steps you can take to change them, Understanding how the experience with the mother made self defeating feelings, habits to arise, The key question how can you be affective in your own life, Conduct autobiographical heath check relating to the experience with your mother, Test your descriptions watch out for generalisations no facts, Look out for expectations give specific examples of general terms you used, est your ability to shift perspective, can you shift it to your current world, Try to notice your responses when your own feelings or behaviour of ours are confusing are you quick to blame others Do you get angry By being blamed on something spins you in to a feeling of anxiety or anger Identify what you really anxious or angry about Explain your feelings to your self.
Do you over react to social awkwardness Explain to your self what result you fear from this awkwardness Assess if this fear or embarrassment realistic
Do you still hope to resolve difficult dilemma even though you know you never satisfy your mother Finding yourself hoping that one day you will be what she wants you to be and this will resolve in satisfaction and security.
Consider if it makes sense and how you can move forward without a response from her, What sources can you receive understanding engagement Can you really satisfy your mother fantasy by meeting only her expectations
How can you move forward without a response from her Can you satisfy the fantasy that all will be well with your mother if you are the only one who makes a sacrifice, meet her needs expectations Can you find a way to love her without seeing yourself as a failure or disappointment.
Can you accept that your mother doesnt want to get to know you or do you feel disappointed for her failure to listen responsively Can you really satisfy your mother fantasy by meeting only her expectations Focus on what you learned from a difficult relationship with tour mother skills you developed as you dealt with this relationship.
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